Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”