Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.