Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying