I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
This made me smile…
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change