I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
You Might Also Like
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Did…did a minotaur write this
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever