Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
i think we should see other cousins
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”