Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.