If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.