You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me