[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
This a good idea
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
it must be school picture day
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Worth a try
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @