[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
You Might Also Like
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE