What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I am laughing way too hard at this.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.