Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Lol
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Uh oh…
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
#oldknees
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them