Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
this is the best interaction on twitter
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
he’s sick of your bullshit today