There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone