HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Previously On Persistence 😎
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Called it