Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
huge if true: the moon
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.