Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: đź‘Ť
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
When news reporters do sports stories
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker