Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
So the ex texted me
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st