You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out