How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
That’s a good costume, I hope.
greetings!
Did…did a minotaur write this
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: