[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Found the job I’m suited for
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”