if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
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This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
#merica
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.