Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy