Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months