My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
can I use a minion as a tampon
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.