My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Saturday
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.