GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed