I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.