I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
stand with me against insufficient seating
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”