I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
beware of dog
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?