These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,