*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
dogs can find happiness so easily
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.