Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
they really do be looking like this
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?