My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
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I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.