School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume