Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second