Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
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Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
umm…
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.