So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
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Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors