Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Merica.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.