We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Ugh but profoundly
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Rooting for the overdog
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”