When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Peter Parker Peter Driver
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
You can’t rush stupid.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.