[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I have two kinds of followers
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.