Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Just say no
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!