Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off