Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
How to draw a duck
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials