Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Banana is the quietest snack
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”