[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Breaking news:
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”