A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail