Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Whoa 😂
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.